I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I have never related to a cat more
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I found your tweet-up…
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.