Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.