The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.