I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?