Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.