Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
If you know, you know
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?