Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
You Might Also Like
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”