I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.