Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You Might Also Like
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space