coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.