Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I identify as an antique shop.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.