Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Stonehinge
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done