[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
hi why am I like this
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!