My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
my fav colour is also hitler
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”