*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Welcome
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.