Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL