I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me