I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.