Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The news in a nutshell.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer