*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that