one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
What about second breakfast?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.