[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
#MeanwhileinCanada
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes