At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird