Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
got so much cardio in today
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Look at this
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly