My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on