Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs