*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”