8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
There is no try. There is only give up.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦