Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒