Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.