[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You Might Also Like
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
tinder is all about the long game
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.