I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.