*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?