Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours