Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!