[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Yup
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
6. me as a lawyer
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.