[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
She: I like Cats
He:
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea