My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
This is my emotional support knife.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem