I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No