Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.