Finally, an explanation.
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.