Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.