Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox