My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?