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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room