12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.