Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.