Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment