That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true