Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.